How grief works

There's no right way to grieve and no set time it should take.

What about the five stages?

The five stages (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) came from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's work in the 1960s with people who were dying. They were later applied to bereavement. Many people recognise some of those feelings, but few go through them in order, and some never feel all of them. If your grief doesn't fit the stages, nothing is wrong with you.

Moving between grief and daily life

Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut described grief as moving back and forth between two things. Some of the time you face the loss: you cry, remember, miss the person and go over what happened. Some of the time you face daily life: you work, sort out practical tasks, take on new roles, and have moments of lightness.

Both are part of grieving. Laughing at something on television doesn't mean you've stopped caring. A bad day months later doesn't mean you've gone backwards.

Grief after other losses

Grief doesn't only follow a death. It can come with a separation or divorce, losing your health or your work, or a miscarriage. These losses are sometimes less recognised by others, which can make them lonelier to carry.

When it can help to talk

• When you feel you can't talk to the people around you, or they seem to expect you to be "over it"
• When grief feels stuck, or hasn't shifted at all after a long time
• When the death was sudden, traumatic, or left things unsaid
• When grief is tangled with guilt, anger or other losses

How counselling helps

Counselling gives you somewhere to set the grief down and be heard, without having to look after anyone else's feelings. We go at whatever pace you need, and you don't have to go through the details before you're ready.

Counselling can't promise a particular outcome or timeline. If grief is affecting your sleep, appetite or health, speak to your GP too.

Talk it through

I offer grief and bereavement counselling in Barnsley and online. Individual sessions are £70 for 50 minutes, in private counselling rooms in a discreet town-centre location in Barnsley with free parking, or by video or telephone.

You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

Free support

Cruse Bereavement Support is a free national charity for anyone who has been bereaved: