Low self-esteem

If you're having thoughts of ending your life, please talk to someone today. Samaritans are free on 116 123, any time. In an emergency, call 999.

It can sit quietly in the background for years, shaping what you try, who you trust and what you think you deserve.

Signs of low self-esteem

• You put yourself down, out loud or in your head
• Compliments make you uncomfortable, so you brush them off
• You compare yourself with other people and always come off worse
• You say yes when you mean no, to keep people happy
• You avoid new things in case you fail
• You apologise a lot, even when it isn't your fault
• When things go well, you feel like a fraud

Self-loathing and the inner critic

For some people the critical voice goes further than doubt. It turns to contempt: "I'm useless", "I hate myself". If that sounds familiar, you're far from alone. That voice usually started somewhere, often a long time ago. It's a habit of thinking, not a fact about you.

If those thoughts ever turn into wanting to hurt yourself, please talk to someone today. The numbers are at the bottom of this page.

What causes low self-esteem?

There's rarely one cause. Common ones include:

• Being criticised, compared or overlooked a lot as a child
• Bullying at school or at work
• A relationship where you were belittled or controlled
• Long periods of stress, illness or money worries
• Losing a job or a role that was part of who you were

Some people can't point to anything in particular. That doesn't make it any less real.

How to start overcoming low self-esteem

Notice the critic when it speaks, and name it: "there's that voice again". Naming it puts a little space between you and it.

Ask what you'd say to a friend who said this about themselves. Then try saying something like it to yourself, even if it feels awkward.

Keep a short note each evening of three things you did, however small. Low self-esteem filters out the evidence that doesn't fit, so writing it down helps it stick.

Take small steps towards the things you've been avoiding. Each one gives the critic something it can't explain away.

Practise saying no in low-stakes moments. And spend more time with the people who leave you feeling better about yourself, not worse.

None of this works overnight. Self-esteem tends to shift slowly, through what you do as much as what you think.

How counselling helps

In sessions, we look at where the critical voice came from and what it has been trying to protect you from. Understanding that often makes it easier to answer back. We go at your pace, and you won't be judged for any of it.

Counselling isn't a medical treatment or a quick fix, and I can't promise an outcome.

Talk it through

I offer individual counselling in Barnsley and online. Individual sessions are £70 for 50 minutes, in private counselling rooms in a discreet town-centre location in Barnsley with free parking, or by video or telephone.

You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

Free support

NHS Talking Therapies are free, and you can usually refer yourself. If you need to talk to someone now: