Is my relationship over?

Relationships rarely end in one moment. More often they drift through a run of hard months, and one day someone types this question into their phone.

Signs a relationship is struggling

• You argue more, or you've stopped arguing because there doesn't seem much point
• You feel lonely when you're together
• Affection and sex have faded, and neither of you mentions it
• You avoid time alone together, or fill it with screens and other people
• Small things irritate you far more than they should
• Eye-rolling, mockery or put-downs have crept in
• You talk to friends about your partner more than you talk to your partner
• You picture a future without them and feel relief

Any one of these is common in a long relationship. Several together, lasting months, tell you the relationship is under real strain.

Strain, or the end?

Most long-term couples go through stretches like this. A new baby, illness, money worries, caring for a parent, a job that takes everything. Strain with a clear cause often eases when the cause does, or once you start facing it together instead of separately.

In my experience, the harder sign is indifference. Anger still wants something from the other person. When one or both of you has stopped caring what happens, it's much harder to find a way back, though not always impossible.

Questions to ask yourself

• If things got better, would I want to stay?
• Have we each said clearly, and calmly, what's wrong?
• Is either of us already halfway out of the door?
• Do I feel safe with my partner?

There are no right answers here. The questions are a way of noticing where you are, not a test you pass or fail.

What you can try first

Pick a calm moment, not the middle of a row. Say what you've noticed, starting with "I": "I miss us" lands differently from "you never make time". Then listen to your partner's version without correcting it.

Choose one small, specific thing to do differently for a fortnight. A walk together on Sundays. Phones away at dinner. Small changes won't solve everything, but they show you whether you're both still willing to try.

If you keep having the same row, this guide to repeating arguments may help.

When counselling can help

Couples come to me at every stage. Some want to rebuild. Some want to work out whether they want to. Some have already decided to separate and want to do it with less damage, especially where there are children.

I won't tell you whether to stay together. My part is to help you both say what's going on and hear each other clearly enough to decide for yourselves. Counselling isn't a medical treatment or a quick fix, and I can't promise an outcome.

If your partner won't come, you can still come on your own. Read how individual relationship sessions work, or what happens in couples counselling.

Talk it through

I offer relationship counselling in Barnsley. Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes. You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

If you feel unsafe

If you're frightened of your partner, that's not a rough patch. The same goes if they control your money, your phone or who you see. Couples counselling isn't the right first step where there's abuse. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999. You can also call: