Why do we keep having the same argument?

You could probably both recite it by now. Who says what, when the voices go up, how it ends.

The topic and the need

Take the row about the washing up. On the surface it's about a chore. Underneath, one of you is saying "I feel like the hired help", and the other is hearing "nothing I do is good enough". You can buy a dishwasher and still have that row.

Or lateness. One person is twenty minutes late and thinks it's trivial. The other has spent twenty minutes concluding that they don't come first.

Underneath most repeating arguments is one of a small number of questions:

• Do I matter to you?
• Can I rely on you?
• Do you respect me?
• Are we on the same side?

When that question isn't answered, the argument can't finish.

Why you can't sort it out yourselves

You both argue the facts. Who did what, how often, who started it. Facts feel safer than saying "I felt unimportant", which sounds needy when you're angry. So you each build a case, and the other defends against it.

Then there's history. By the tenth time, you're reacting to the previous nine as well. A sigh is enough to start it.

And some differences don't go away. One of you is tidy and the other isn't. One likes a full house at Christmas and the other wants quiet. Plenty of long-term couples have differences like these that never get solved. The ones who do well have stopped trying to win and found a way to live with the difference, often with some humour.

How to break the loop

Wait until you're both calm. The middle of the argument is the worst time to understand it.

Then ask each other one question: "When we have that row, what does it feel like for you?" Listen to the answer without correcting it. You're finding out what it means to your partner. You aren't agreeing that they're right.

Say your own version in a sentence that starts with "I". "I feel like an afterthought when you're late" lands differently from "you're always late".

Look for the small request inside the big complaint. "You never help" might turn out to mean "I'd like you to do bedtime on Tuesdays".

Expect to get it wrong a few times. Old habits are quick.

When it's time to get help

Consider counselling if the same argument has been running for months, if it's getting nastier, or if you've both stopped raising it and the house has gone quiet. Silence after a long-running argument usually means someone has given up.

In sessions, I help you get below the waterline. I'll stop the usual script partway through and ask each of you what's going on underneath. It's often the first time one partner has heard what the other has been trying to say.

Read what happens in couples counselling.

Talk it through

I offer relationship counselling in Barnsley. Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes. You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

If arguments at home frighten you

If rows involve threats, things being thrown or broken, or you being stopped from leaving, that isn't an ordinary repeating argument. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999. You can also call: