Lonely in your relationship?

You notice one day that you run the house well together and can't remember the last proper conversation. It's one of the most common reasons couples come to see me, and often the quietest. There may be no rows at all.

Signs you're growing apart

• You talk about logistics: who's collecting, what's for tea, what needs paying
• You've stopped telling each other the small things about your day
• Evenings are spent in the same room on separate screens
• Affection has faded to a peck on the way out
• You feel more yourself with friends or at work than at home
• You've wondered whether this is just what long relationships become

Some distance comes and goes in every long relationship. It's worth attention when it has become the normal state and one or both of you feels lonely in it.

Feeling lonely when you're together

Loneliness in a marriage or long relationship can feel worse than being on your own, because the person who should be closest is right there. A lot of people feel ashamed of it and say nothing. The silence widens the gap.

How couples get here

Life fills up. Children, work, caring for parents and money worries all take the time and energy that used to go to each other. The relationship is the one thing that doesn't complain when it's neglected, so it goes to the bottom of the list.

Sometimes distance is protection. If raising things has led to rows, or to nothing changing, it can feel safer to stop raising them. The house gets calmer and the gap gets wider.

And people change. The person you are at forty-five isn't the person you were at twenty-five. If you haven't kept each other up to date, you can end up living with someone you no longer know very well.

What helps

Start small. Ten minutes a day of conversation that isn't about logistics does more than one big weekend away.

Turn towards the small bids. When your partner points something out, shows you something on their phone or sighs, that's usually an invitation. Answering it, even briefly, is how connection gets rebuilt.

Say that you miss them. "I miss us" is a very different opening from "we never talk any more".

Be curious again. Ask a question you don't know the answer to.

The spark tends to fade as the distance grows, and it tends to come back the same way: through small moments of contact, repeated.

How counselling helps

When you've drifted, it can be hard to start the conversation at home. Neither of you wants to be the one who says it out loud. In sessions, I give you both room to say what the distance has been like, including the parts that are hard to hear. We look at how it built up and what each of you needs to feel closer.

Sometimes couples find there's a lot still there. Sometimes they find they want different things. Counselling isn't a medical treatment or a quick fix, and I can't promise an outcome.

If you're not sure whether the relationship has a future, this guide on the signs a relationship is struggling may help. You can also read what happens in couples counselling.

Talk it through

I offer relationship counselling in Barnsley. Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes. You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

If you feel unsafe at home

Distance that comes from being afraid of your partner is a different thing. If you feel frightened or controlled at home, couples counselling isn't the right first step. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999. You can also call: