My partner shuts down when we argue

Neither of you is the cause. The pattern is.

How the pattern works

One of you needs to sort things out now. Silence feels unbearable, like being shut out, so you follow, ask again, raise your voice. You're trying to get a response, any response.

The other one feels cornered. Whatever they say seems to make it worse, so they say less. They look at their phone, go upstairs, or answer "I don't know". From the inside, that isn't indifference. It's an attempt to stop the row getting bigger.

Now look at what each of you sees. The person pursuing sees a partner who doesn't care enough to talk. The person withdrawing sees a partner who is never satisfied. Both conclusions are wrong, and both feel completely true at eleven at night.

Which one are you?

You're probably the pursuer if you tend to start the difficult conversations, can't settle until something is resolved, and have been told you "go on" about things.

You're probably the withdrawer if you go quiet under pressure, need time alone before you can think straight, and have been told you don't care or don't listen.

Some couples swap roles depending on the subject. One person might pursue about housework and withdraw about sex.

What sits underneath

The pursuer is usually frightened of being left alone with the problem. The withdrawer is usually frightened of failing or of making things worse. Those are two versions of the same worry, which is whether the relationship is safe.

Shutting down completely during a row is sometimes called stonewalling. For most people it happens when they're overwhelmed, and the body has gone into something close to a freeze. Demanding an answer at that point doesn't work, because the person can't think clearly enough to give one.

What helps

Agree a pause, and agree when you'll come back. "I need twenty minutes, then I'll talk" is very different from walking out. The pursuer can wait if they know the conversation is coming. The withdrawer can come back if they know they won't be ambushed.

Start softer. Open with what you feel and what you need, and leave out the list of what your partner did wrong.

Name the pattern out loud when you notice it. "We're doing the chase thing again" puts you both on the same side.

These are simple to describe and hard to do in the middle of a row. That's the part counselling helps with.

How counselling helps with this pattern

In sessions, I slow an argument down so you can both see the loop as it happens. The pursuer gets to say what the silence feels like. The withdrawer gets to say what the pressure feels like. Many couples have never heard that from each other.

Read what happens in couples counselling.

Talk it through

I offer relationship counselling in Barnsley. Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes. You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

If the silence is being used to punish you

Going quiet because you're overwhelmed is different from days of deliberate silence used to control or frighten a partner. If you feel afraid or controlled at home, you can call: