What happens in couples counselling?

This page explains what happens, so you can decide whether it's for you.

What counselling can do

It gives you a place to have the conversations that go wrong at home. With a third person in the room, arguments slow down. Each of you gets to finish a sentence.

It helps you see the pattern you're both caught in. Most couples arrive thinking the problem is the other person. Many come to see the problem as something they do together, which means it's something they can change together.

It also gives you practical ways to raise difficult things, to calm a row before it takes over, and to make up afterwards.

What it can't do

I won't decide who's right. I don't take sides or act as a referee, and I won't tell you whether to stay together.

It can't work if only one of you is taking part. If your partner comes along to prove a point or tick a box, progress will be slow.

Counselling isn't a medical treatment or a quick fix, and I can't promise an outcome.

It isn't suitable where one partner is afraid of the other. See the note at the end of this page.

What happens in sessions

The free intro call

This is optional. It's a 10-minute phone call with me before you commit to anything. You can ask how I work, and I can check that couples counselling is the right kind of help. Calls are at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, and you book online. If you'd rather go straight to a first session, you can book that online too.

The first session

I'll ask each of you what's brought you and what you'd like to be different. You don't need to agree on the answer. I'll also ask about the relationship as a whole, including what was good about it, because that's what you'll be building on.

People often worry about this session more than any other. Many tell me afterwards that it was a relief.

The sessions after that

We'll look at a recent argument or a stuck subject in detail. I'll slow it down and ask each of you what was going on underneath. Over the sessions you start to recognise the pattern for yourselves and try responding differently, first in the room and then at home.

There's no fixed number of sessions. Some people find a handful is enough; others come for longer. Sessions are 50 minutes, in person in Barnsley, or online if you prefer.

Common worries

My partner won't come

That's common. It often helps to say "I'd like us to get on better and I'd like some help with it" and leave out "we need counselling", which can sound like an accusation. The free call is a low-pressure first step. If your partner still won't come, individual sessions about the relationship can be useful.

We'll just argue in front of a stranger

You might, and that's fine. Seeing how you argue is useful. I'll step in before it becomes the same row you have at home.

The counsellor will take my partner's side

My job is to be on the side of the relationship. If either of you feels I'm leaning one way, say so in the session.

People will find out

What you tell me is confidential, within the limits I explain before we begin. I see people in private counselling rooms within the South Yorkshire Physiotherapy Centre, a town-centre location with free parking.

Have we left it too late?

Couples come at every stage, including when one person has already mentioned leaving. Earlier is easier, but late isn't the same as too late.

What it costs

Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes. Individual relationship sessions are £70 for 50 minutes. The intro call is free. You pay per session.

Book online

You can book a free 10-minute phone intro, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

When couples counselling isn't the right place to start

If you feel frightened of your partner, or controlled in what you do, spend or say, couples counselling isn't a safe first step. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999. You can also call: