Why do I overreact to my partner?

Everyone has triggers. They cause trouble in a relationship when neither of you knows what they are.

What a trigger looks like

The reaction arrives fast and feels out of proportion. Afterwards you might think "why did I go off like that over a text message?" Your partner is usually just as confused, and may start being careful around you without saying so.

Common triggers between partners include:

• being interrupted or talked over
• a particular tone of voice, especially one that sounds dismissive
• being ignored or kept waiting for a reply
• criticism in front of other people
• a partner going quiet or leaving the room
• plans being changed without being asked

None of these is serious in isolation. What gives them force is what they remind you of.

Where triggers come from

Most come from earlier experience. Someone who grew up being criticised may hear criticism in a neutral remark. Someone who was cheated on in a previous relationship may feel panic when a phone is turned face down. A person whose parent went silent for days may find a partner's quiet mood very hard to bear.

Your partner didn't create the trigger. They've trodden on it.

That isn't an excuse for how either of you behaves when it happens. You're still responsible for what you do with the feeling. But knowing where it comes from changes the conversation from "you always do this" to "this is what happens to me when you do that".

When two triggers set each other off

This is where couples get stuck. Your reaction is your partner's trigger, and theirs is yours.

Say one of you is sensitive to being ignored and the other to being criticised. The first feels ignored and complains. The second hears criticism and goes quiet. The quiet feels like more ignoring. Within a few minutes you're both reacting to old hurts and neither of you is talking about tonight.

Read about the pursue-withdraw pattern.

What helps

Learn your own early signs. For most people the body knows first: a tight chest, heat in the face, a clenched jaw. That's the moment to slow down, before the reaction.

Say it plainly. "I've just been set off by something and I need a minute" is enough. You don't have to explain it there and then.

Talk about triggers when you're both calm. Tell your partner what yours are and where you think they come from, and ask about theirs.

Don't use them as ammunition. Once your partner has told you what hurts, pressing on it during a row does lasting damage to trust.

How counselling helps

It's hard to see your own triggers, and harder to hear about your partner's without feeling blamed. In sessions, I help each of you trace a reaction back to where it starts and say it in a way the other can take in.

If your reactions feel overwhelming, or are tied to something traumatic, individual counselling may be a better first step. We can talk that through on the free intro call.

Read what happens in couples counselling.

Talk it through

I offer relationship counselling in Barnsley. Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes. You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

If you're afraid of your partner's reactions

Being triggered is different from being frightened of someone. If you change what you say and do because you're scared of how your partner will react, you can call: