Why do we keep arguing?

Arguing on its own doesn't mean a relationship is failing. Plenty of couples who stay together disagree often. The arguments that do damage are the ones that repeat without getting anywhere and leave you both feeling unheard.

The six things couples argue about

Communication

This is the one people name first. "We can't talk without it turning into a row." One of you raises something, the other hears criticism and defends, and within a minute you're arguing about tone and not the thing you started with.

Often one partner pushes to talk while the other goes quiet or leaves the room. Each reaction makes the other worse. Read about the pursue-withdraw pattern.

Sometimes a small remark sets off a reaction that surprises you both. Read about triggers in relationships.

Trust

Trust arguments aren't only about affairs. They also come from hidden spending, messages to an ex, broken promises, or a feeling that your partner isn't telling you everything. Once trust has been shaken, small things get read as evidence.

Read about rebuilding trust after an affair.

Money

Rows about money are rarely about the amount. One of you feels safer saving and the other feels life is for living, so every purchase turns into a vote on whose approach is right. Debt, unequal earnings and money lent to family all make it sharper.

Intimacy

This covers sex, and it also covers affection and feeling wanted. A common version is that one partner feels rejected and the other feels pressured. Both stop reaching out. It's a hard subject to raise, so it tends to come out sideways in arguments about something else.

Family and parenting

In-laws, stepchildren, different ideas about discipline, how much time goes to each side of the family. These rows carry extra weight because they touch on loyalty. Being asked to choose between a partner and a parent or child is painful, even when nobody has put it in those words.

Who does what

Housework, childcare, remembering the appointments and the birthdays. The row about the dishwasher is usually a row about fairness and being taken for granted. It's the most everyday of the six, and couples often feel embarrassed that it causes so much anger.

When the same argument keeps coming back

If you've had the same fight ten times, the topic probably isn't the problem. There's usually something underneath that hasn't been said, such as feeling unimportant, not respected, or alone in the relationship. Sorting out the dishwasher won't settle that.

Read about why couples have the same argument on repeat.

When to think about counselling

Counselling is worth considering if your arguments follow the same script every time, if one or both of you has stopped raising things to keep the peace, or if you're more like housemates than partners. You don't need to be at breaking point. Coming earlier usually means there is less to untangle.

In sessions, I help you both slow an argument down and see the pattern you're caught in, so you can respond to each other differently. Read what happens in couples counselling.

Talk it through

I offer relationship counselling in Barnsley for couples from across South and West Yorkshire. Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes. I see people in private counselling rooms in a discreet town-centre location, with free parking at the practice.

You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

If you feel afraid of your partner

Couples counselling isn't the right place to start if you feel frightened, controlled or unsafe at home. If you or someone else is in immediate danger, call 999. You can also call: