Can a relationship survive an affair?

What doesn't work is trying to go back to how things were. That relationship has ended. If you stay together, you'll be building a different one.

The first weeks

The partner who's been betrayed often can't sleep or eat, goes over details again and again, and swings between rage and wanting to be held. The partner who had the affair often feels shame, and wants to stop talking about it because every conversation ends in pain.

If you've just found out, try not to make permanent decisions in the first few weeks. You don't need to decide whether to stay. You need to get through each day.

What repair involves

The affair has to end, fully

Contact with the other person stops, and your partner knows it has stopped. Repair can't start while the affair is still going on in any form, including "just friends".

Honesty about what happened

The betrayed partner will have questions, and usually needs answers to the main ones: who, how long, is it over, who else knows. Finding out more in pieces over the following months does more harm than hearing it at the start.

There's a limit. Graphic detail tends to leave images that are hard to shake. A counsellor can help you work out which questions will help you and which will hurt.

Taking responsibility

The person who had the affair made that choice. Problems in the relationship may be part of the background, and they're worth looking at later, but they aren't the reason. "I did this and I'm sorry" has to come before "we were struggling".

Understanding how it happened

This stage comes later and is easier with help. What was going on for each of you? What wasn't being said? This isn't about sharing out blame. It's how you both come to believe it won't happen again.

Consistency over time

Trust comes back through small things done reliably: being where you said you'd be, answering the phone, volunteering information before being asked. One grand gesture does very little. Months of being dependable does a lot.

How long does it take?

Longer than either of you would like. In my experience it often takes a year or more before the affair stops being the first thing you think about, and there are setbacks along the way. A song, a place or a date can bring it all back. A setback doesn't mean you're back at the beginning.

The partner who had the affair often wants to move on sooner. Pushing for that slows things down.

If it wasn't a physical affair

Secret messaging, an emotional attachment to someone else, or hidden use of dating apps can hurt as much as a physical affair. The injury is the deceit. The same stages apply.

Deciding to part

Sometimes one or both of you realises the relationship is over. Counselling can still help, particularly if you have children and need to stay in each other's lives. Ending well is worth the effort. There is more on this in the separation section of my relationship counselling page.

How counselling helps

Most couples can't have these conversations at home without them turning into the same row. In sessions, I keep the conversation safe enough for the hurt partner to ask what they need to ask, and for the other partner to answer without shutting down. I don't take sides, and I won't tell you whether to stay.

Counselling isn't a medical treatment or a quick fix, and I can't promise an outcome.

Read what happens in couples counselling.

Talk it through

Many couples want privacy for this. I see people in private counselling rooms in a discreet town-centre location in Barnsley, with free parking at the practice. Couples sessions are £90 for 50 minutes.

You can start with a free 10-minute phone intro, bookable at 12:00 or 12:30, Monday to Friday, or book a first session.

Book a free 10-minute callBook a first session

If you feel unsafe at home

If a partner or ex is controlling or frightening you, you can call: